Why Dealing With Abusive Family Member — And What Is Actually Going On

Why Dealing With Abusive Family Member — And What Is Actually Going On

Your stomach drops every time your phone lights up. You dread checking your messages because you know it's them again — that one family member who makes your life a living hell. The verbal abuse, the constant criticism, the gaslighting and manipulation. It's a nightmare, and you're exhausted from trying to deal with it.

The Real Reason This Happens (Not What Most People Think)

The truth is, your abusive family member's behavior has very little to do with you. At its core, their abusive actions are a reflection of their own deep-seated issues, insecurities, and unmet needs. Oftentimes, they're acting out patterns they learned in their own childhood — repeating the toxic behaviors they were exposed to.

Their lashing out isn't about you being a "bad" person or doing something wrong. It's about them feeling out of control, inadequate, or powerless in their own lives. And they're projecting those feelings onto you, using you as an emotional punching bag.

Why Generic Advice Makes It Worse

When you're in the thick of dealing with an abusive family member, well-meaning friends and family members might tell you to "set boundaries," "stand up for yourself," or "just stop talking to them." But the truth is, those generic solutions rarely work in this specific situation.

Abusive people don't respond to boundaries the way healthy people do. In fact, setting firm boundaries often escalates their abusive behavior, as they view it as a challenge to their control. And completely cutting off contact, while sometimes necessary, can backfire and make you the "bad guy" in the eyes of the rest of your family.

The Three Things That Actually Need to Change

To truly address the problem, there are three key things that need to shift:

1. Your own mindset and emotional reactions

2. The way you communicate and interact with the abusive family member

3. The overall family dynamic and power structure

Tackling all three of these areas is crucial — if you only focus on one or two, the problem will likely persist or even get worse.

What Progress Actually Looks Like

True progress in dealing with an abusive family member isn't about them suddenly becoming a kind, empathetic person. That's an unrealistic expectation. Instead, progress looks like:

It's a process, and it takes time and consistent effort. But it is possible to get to a place of peace, even with an abusive family member in your life.